The Paris heist is this years ultimate celebrity whodunnit. But dont worry: Inspector Karl Lagerfeld is on the case
Was Kim Kardashian chased through Paris in a mystery Fiat? asks a report on the jewellery heist rocking the worlds of both reality television and Parisian crime. To the French capital, then, where the old mystery Fiat strikes again, lending its nutty kitemark to a story hardly short of dramatics. Already a mirthless 9,000-word think piece waiting to happen, theKardashian burglary is establishing itself as a key cultural event of 2016, rich with meanings and takeouts and significances for a culture struggling towork out what it thinks about aggravated burglary.
Where you position yourself to it matters matters absolutely and Im afraid some of you may find yourself already in a position from which you simply cannot now recover. For instance, those of you who failed to make some sort of social media post in the immediate aftermath of the news breaking, in which you said something about it being no secret how you felt about the Kardashians, but that Kim deserved nothing but sympathy for being the victim of such an ordeal. Anyone who sent a tweet like that is adecent individual who not only apparently thinks about whether violent crime is justified, but feels moved to temper their conclusion thatit isnt with a reminder that the Kardashians are basically beneath them. These sort of tweeters have to take themselves seriously, because God knows no one else possibly could.
Anyway, as part of its peerless commitment to service journalism, Lost in Showbiz is pleased to offer you a full primer on the emerging key dramatis personae of this developing crime story, in order that you can keep up with the caper.
First and foremost, poor Kim is back in the United States and in seclusion, as yet unwilling to discuss the matter on any platform. All that has formally emerged is a communique from her makeup artist, who announces that thecosmetics masterclass the pair were due to host in Dubai has been cancelled in the circumstances.
But, in Kims absence and fighting her for the lead role we have the scenery-chewing ham that is Inspector Karl Lagerfeld. The most adorably clueless detective since Clouseau, Chanel commandant Karl was almost instantly on the metaphorical crime scene in his trademark trenchcoat and highnecked blouse, dispensing quotable quotes on how vulgar the victim is. Think of him as A Shit in the Dark. But also be aware that Karl is a Proper Celebrity, whose willingness to say ordinarily unspeakable things marks him out as someone who adds to the gaiety of the nations. Listen: hes the head designer of the most prestigious and self-regarding fashion house in the world. Also: look at him. What do you honestly want to hear from Karl? Some boring off-the-peg worthiness about body image, or how only ethically sourced style slaves fluff his boucl for him?
Course you dont. Karl instinctively understands this, which is why he mused unwonderingly of Laffaire Kardashian: I dont understand why she was in a hotel with no security. If youre that famous and you put all your jewellery on the internet, then you go to a hotel where nobody can come near to the room. You cannot display your wealth and then be surprised that some people want to share it with you.
Oh Karl! What a knowingly incendiary use of the word share that is. On the one hand, its a bit rich from someone whose place of work relies particularly on revenues from flogging instantly recognisable handbags that can only befiled under the category obvious display. On the other, Kim got away lightly in the parvenue stakes. Even Marcel Proust was recently written offby Karl as the son of a concierge looking at society people.
Such a crime could never happen to Inspector Lagerfeld himself, of course; he keeps a manservant highly trained in martial arts in his apartment, who isrequired to attack him the minute hestruts in via his haunted mirror butalways ends up submitting to Karl eventually. His master is simply too masterful.
Anyway, our next stop in the cast of characters must surely be the French police, who also felt moved to cast aspersions on the victim. It was reallythe celebrity who was targeted, pointed out a police spokeswoman, with possessions that had been seen and noticed via social media, and it was these goods that the attackers targeted. Mmm. Do they do this in rape cases, or is it just aggravated burglary? Either way, madame had more to add: This kind of incident is extremely rare in Paris. This is a star that is famous worldwide. Do not confuse what happened to Ms Kardashian, and probably was the result of an organised team who had planned their action, with theassault of a tourist in front of Notre Dame or another tourist spot in Paris.
Well, Im sure well hear plenty morefrom them in due course. Finally, though, we must make special mention of the gang being fingered for the job, who are called mais oui! the Pink Panthers. Furthermore, these are the Serbian Pink Panthers, and someone who thinks of himself as one of their ex-members has been on to the Daily Beast to discuss their modus operandi. The ones that did this, do you think youll find them? he inquires rhetorically. No way, theyre probably in Ibiza with Paris Hilton. (Need a bit more on that with, to be honest. Is Paris the moll or the mark? Inquiring minds want to know.)
In the meantime, this amusing chap seems to be suggesting that the Pink Panthers are a bit like al-Qaida, and lack a conventional command structure. They think its one organisation with 400 members and one boss. Not so, apparently. These people were a part of the [Yugoslav] military and, when the country broke up, they became rnin, like the samurai. They dont have a master. No leader. No head and no tail. All they do is they go by their intelligence.
Go on: They travel with the fashion show or the tennis players or the athletes. This is a very prestigious affair. All the Pink Panthers have college educations. They speak multiple languages fluently. They all play soccer. Theyre athletes.
Well, how fitting. These are not vulgar armed robbers, you understand. These are classy, prestigious armed robbers, as at home in the frow of Yves Saint Laurent as they are playing as a classic No 10. We are not quite but very nearly at the point where being gagged, tied up and thrown in the bath by them is a privilege. In fact, the entire tale is rapidly emerging as the film Zoolander 2 could have been, and we must look forward to its next instalment as soon as any of the players cares toshare it.
Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us
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